Humble me.

You know what’s worse than sinning?

Being defiant in your sin.

I am, of course, talking to myself. A little over a month ago, I fell from grace in a way I never thought I would. When it happened, I felt defiant. See? I wasn’t broken. No, I was empowered. I was better because of what I had done, and I was sure that I was better because of what I had done. I felt like a woman, mature and strong.

Of course I felt that way… until God came looking for me. In a way I have never understood before, I now think I understand what Adam and Eve must have been feeling when God came tromping through the garden that night, calling them by name. You feel as though you have to run. You have to cover yourself in your shame because if he sees you… it will be the end of you. And that’s exactly how I’ve felt. If he sees me and sees what I’ve done, it will be the end of me.

When you finally decide to turn around and face it instead of running, you’re brought to your knees. I know in the deepest part of myself that grace covers me and that my Jesus has forgiven me. But make no mistake, I am also, for maybe the first time, keenly aware of the fact that he is not happy about what I’ve done. It doesn’t please him. In fact, it breaks his heart.

And so it breaks my heart.

I don’t want to take his forgiveness for granted. That is, perhaps, my biggest fear, if only because I’ve done it so many times before. It’s like, “Alright, I’ll just take this forgiveness and be on my way! Thanks, dad!” But that’s not how it’s supposed to work. I know that he doesn’t want me to soak in my shame and sit in my own brokenness. I know that. But I don’t want this to be yet another time where I say I accept his grace and his freedom, and then reach around, chain myself back to everything I’ve done, and be on my way.

I wish I knew how to change everything. But I have to admit… I haven’t got a clue.