Loss of Desperation.

I’ve grown up in the church, and I remember this chorus we used to sing when I was younger.

And I, I’m desperate for you. And I, I’m lost without you.

It was tonight as I was journaling that, through my own decisions in the last two months and the ensuing situations, I have lost my desperation for Christ. I don’t feel desperate for him anymore, I feel indifferent. And that scares me. It scares me a lot. To be indifferent is to be cold… uncaring. And you can’t feel that way about a Christ you claim as your own. So what happens when you do?

Well… I’m not entirely certain yet. I have to be honest in saying that I cannot pretend to know the answer to that. Of course, I wish I did. Maybe it’s as simple as asking him with everything left in you to restore that desperate longing for him? Maybe I’m over-complicating things. (I tend to do that.)

I know that I will be truthful about where I am. I’m not going to pretend Jesus and I are all chummy when we’re obviously not, and it’s obvious to anyone who digs just past the surface of my life because of the -lack of- fruit produced. A fruitful life is one rooted in Christ, firmly planted there and watered by The Spirit. Right now, that is obviously not me. I think to pretend otherwise would just be absurd and pointless, really. But I think Christ can mold me into that person. For the first time, I’m not looking at what I have to DO to become better because I think maybe I’m finally starting to understand that nothing I do can make me worthy, that it has to be Christ in me and through me. Now if I can just get out of the way, maybe it’ll be time for this life to start being used to fulfill things again.

I want to be desperate for Christ. Longing after him with every breath in my body and every ounce of my strength.